I Need a Man...
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!! I went to brunch Sunday with my framily and we got into a deep discussion about relationships and vulnerability; one of my favorite discussions(NOT REALLY)! Our discussion was about how hard it is for Black female millenials to relinquish control and admit we need a man. Trust me, I'm the FIRST woman to scream "I AM AN INDEPENDENT, BLACK WOMAN" and I can do it all on my own. I'm also the the woman to scream to a man he's just an asset and that I've been taking care of me and my child for a long time and if needed, I will continue to do just that. In my mind, I've always viewed vulnerability as a weakness and have always been afraid to appear anything less than a STRONG, BLACK woman in a man's eye. I always thought "needing" a man took away from the way I was perceived in his and society's eyes. No matter how much I wanted to just scream at the top of my lungs "I NEED YOU NOW," I didn't because needing A MAN meant I was losing a part of ME. Needing A MAN also meant I was showing him a side of me that I couldn't control and there's fear in the uncontrollable.
It means I'm showing him a side of me which was then open to hurt, judgement and rejection. I always felt obligated to reassure him every chance I got that I could do what needed to be done by myself if I needed to. It was my duty as a "STRONG, BLACK woman" to never show him sometimes I didn't know what the hell I was doing because it showed something I've never been comfortable with which is VULNERABILITY!
After that conversation, I reflected, realizing all my relationships with the opposite sex have failed on my end because I was so afraid to show them I needed them more than they would ever know. I was so afraid to let them know I needed them for more than just opening jars and getting things off of the highest shelf of the cabinet in the kitchen. I was afraid to tell him I needed him to affirm me by telling me I was 'beautiful.' I needed him to say it like it was my name because sometimes my insecurities would get the best of me and hearing I'm beautiful from him meant more than 1000+ likes on any social media site. I needed, sometimes, for him to just call when I got in from work because I had experienced a rough day and just hearing his voice reassured me that everything was going to be alright. I needed sometimes for him to text me "Good Morning Beautiful" because it warmed my heart to know I was the first person on his mind when he woke up.
I'm becoming more and more okay and comfortable with saying "I need a man" and not feeling like a weak woman. Not feeling like I'm giving up my power and knowing I can still be that STRONG, BEAUTIFUL woman he's proud of. I realized I don't have to remind a man of my strength! I don't have to remind him I can make overwhelming look sexy and make impossible look effortless. I'm a woman and I still roar but now with a level of vulnerability which doesn't make me any less amazing or less phenomenal.