GirlTALK: My Recent DISAPPOINTMENT
Hello Ladies, it's been a minute since I've been open and honest with you all but today for some reason, I'm just in an open, tell it like it is, mood!
I've told you this plenty of times but I've been single for quite some time now. A little bit of it has been me not really being interested but majority of it has been me being scared! Scared to really open up myself to someone and get disappointed. I've been down that road before and after the experience was over, I vowed to myself I would never allow me to feel that way again. I'm such a guarded person but I know that if I continued with this behavior, I would never receive the man who God has for me or be able to have my own family and build with someone unless I open myself up to receive love. I had to do the one thing I was scared of and that was to let my guard down.
I recently had starting dating here and there but had not really connected with someone like I was hoping for. I was really just using them for times when I was bored, I would have a few options to text back and forth. After wondering aimlessly for a few months, I ran into someone I feel as though connected with me in ways I didn't even think two people could connect. I hate talking on the phone but with this one person, I would talk on the phone for hours upon hours upon hours. It was just like a breath of fresh air and I was enjoying it. It was different for me and as terrified as I was, I wanted it to keep going. I didn't want it to stop! We talked for a few months, almost every single day and I developed something some would call feelings! Yikes!! I thought we were progressing and establishing a deeper connection and just like that he vanished. Ya'll like completely vanished. I'm low-key kind of embarrassed to share this, but hey, someone may get something out of it At first I was pissed, then hurt and then mad all over again. To sum up all my feelings, I was disappointed! I was disappointed in myself for allowing my guard to come down only to be forced to go right back up. I was disappointed I had even allowed him in my space to begin with. I was disappointed for allowing myself to even feel something.
At first I was walking around like Bitter Betty singing the same old song that all men ain't sh*t but then I felt a conviction and it was like God told me to be quiet and act like a mature adult. See I could allow for this situation to make me angry at men, make me bitter and make me close myself up again but I won't allow it. I refuse to allow another few years to go by because I'm scared of the most vulnerable state of the human existence and that's being in love! One thing I can admit this experience has done for me is breath life back into me again! It was like I got a glimpse of a connection that's deeper than physical. It's more of a mental connection and now my whole being craves it. Yeah, my feelings are hurt but I'm going to be alright! I'm a pretty tough cookie! I'm going to continue to go to the gym, continue to eat better, continue to work as hard as I can to make every single one of my dreams come true and continue to the best mother I can be to the best little girl in the world because I know the other tie to complete the bow of my soul is out there. While I'm waiting for him to find me, I'm going to be glowing up and growing up and remembering that everything in life is a lesson and it's up to you to learn the lesson and use it to better yourself and the ones you love!