One of My Ugly Truths...
Last night, I watched one of my favorite shows on television right now, "Being Mary Jane!" As a writer and actress, this show is amazing to me on so many different levels and I just love the realistic yet provoking story lines. If you haven't watched this week's episode, I'm so sorry but this is a **SPOILER ALERT!**
The show which took place last night was beyond thought provoking and literally left me in tears! Not just for the believable acting the cast displayed but more so for the blinding truth presented.
In life, we ALL go through trials and tribulations! Some more extreme than others of course! Some even more life changing than others but all in all, we go through things! Life has a way of breaking you down if you know what I mean! Watching Mary Jane perform the eulogy for her best friend Lisa brought tears to my eyes because not too long ago, I was exactly where Lisa was, extremely depressed and not being honest about how I was feeling and what I was going through! I was EXTREMELY apprehensive about sharing this out of fear of being judged but life's lessons are meant to be shared! I was contemplating ending my life because life in my eyes could not get any better and I had convinced myself this was as good as it was going to get. I was unemployed, lonely and fed up! I felt like throughout my life, I had done everything right but one wrong decision in the heat of the moment led things in my life to turn so negatively.
I felt everyone around me was so happy and getting blessed and no matter how many times I tried to skip the line, I was getting passed by! I was beginning to have panic attacks like every other day and had fell into such a deep depression. I mean the kind of depression which causes your entire body to ache. It felt like no matter how hard I prayed or how many times I went to church, the situation me and my daughter was in was not going away. I would literally cry myself to sleep EVERY single night thinking if I cried hard and long enough, I would open my eyes and things would be different.
I became bitter, angry and sometimes impatient with my daughter! I was literally dying and didn't even realize it. Majority of the people around me didn't know what was going on because I hid it pretty well through the smiles and laughs! They didn't know how bad I was hurting because every time they asked me "how are you?" I replied with a smile, "I'm Okay!" My fate didn't end like Lisa's because of my daughter Karmyn and that's why I'm FOREVER grateful for her life!
I think what truly saved me from being in my dark box was recognizing the fact that I WAS depressed. Not like that TV, eat ice cream out the box all day depressed, NO, I was deep, fed up, need Jesus type of depressed! I had hid and suppressed those negative feelings for so long that by finally living my truth, I was forced to deal with it! I couldn't run from it anymore! I couldn't hide behind fake smiles and gestures anymore, I had to FINALLY admit that I was depressed and I needed help! It was like at that moment something clicked. I know it sounds like a line from a movie but this was my real life! It's like I had to FINALLY make up in my mind to get out of the black hole I was in and begin to live my life no matter how unpredictable or unfair things had been. I could either live life or simply exist. When you have not only yourself to think about, you have a seed, it forces you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and be bigger than your current situation. I couldn't teach her to be a STRONG, PROUD woman if I was letting life brutally tear me up EVERY single day!
I prayed even harder after that day and no, things didn't just turn around over night but very slowly and very surely, they started to change. I ended up getting employed a few months later and I begin to try to live life to the fullest! Of course, I had my days but I was determined to not get back into that dark place EVER again! Now three years later, I have my own talk show, a growing almost NINE year-old daughter and I'm working on building my international empire. I'm sooooooo far from where I want to be but I'm sooo much stronger than where I used to be!
Depression and suicide is real! It's a negative spirit that can and will kill you IF you allow it to! I'm an EXTREMELY private person so me opening up and sharing my story is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard but I told myself that when I re-launched rateddRamaiseya, I would be open and honest about my struggles because it could potentially save somebody's life! You have to make a choice EVERY single day whether you will or will NOT allow for your current situation to box you in and hold you hostage! You have to make a choice EVERY single day that no matter what the day brings, you will face it with courage and dignity! God has you here for a purpose and a reason!! You will not allow for yourself to be broken because one thing about the storm, it does not last forever and the sun will eventually shine baby girl! You have to push through and most importantly, you have to PRAY it through! Be open and honest about how you are feeling! Don't lie to yourself because that causes the depression to sink in even deeper!
I pray that this helps somebody because we only get ONE chance to experience this thing called life so take the good with the bad and the ugly because trust me, it gets better and you will be alright!
"Sometimes You Have to Get Knocked Down Lower Than You've Ever Been to Stand Up TALLER Than You Ever Were…"